They can't love them like I do! She laughed me off. When they disrespect my wishes they point out that they raised me and I can't do anything about it.
I am told constantly how to raise them. I was verbally threatened with a lawsuit if I cut them off from their grandkids by moving away.
When I was looking for a job in another state my mother called me and screamed at me, crying, telling me I shouldn't move with kids and I had to leave them with her. I was told that I should have thought about this before having kids. I am emotionally exhausted. I stayed where I am at. So here is where I am at They already took my kids on a long day trip this year and they are taking them again later this year on an overnight trip. They spend the night often and get plenty of time.
My kids are spoiled, and right now I'm battling the "I wants". So when my parents asked for yet another overnight trip with my kids I said no. That isn't sinking in. I have had no less than 6 conversations with them on this now. My dad even called me at work and told me it isn't fair and I get to do whatever I want. Trust me that this is bull. I have a job a dislike and I balance my hobbies with the needs of my family always coming first.
My mother called again to tell me I'm spoiled so my kids should be too. The destructive relationship between you and your step mother is not helping anyone. She is overstepping her bounds and it sounds like you feel powerless to do anything to stop her. This might be because you are at her house, on her "turf.
Your son will not be hurt or damaged, kids are very flexible. Maybe you could occasionally have your parents meet you and your son somewhere like a park or playground, where it is a neutral place. Definitely avoid their home. When parents are stressed out, it makes a huge impact on children. Your son will be much better off in the long run with a less stressed out mother.
You cannot change your step mother and its not fair to your dad either to always be putting him "in the middle. Time has a way of healing, and it sounds like you could use a complete break for awhile. May God give you courage. I am a single parent of an awesome little boy. He is well mannered. Very caring and loving. In a way, he's somewhat spoiled, but he does get disciplined when need be. My father wasn't the best father He loves my son so much. My step-mother is very criticizing towards me.
When I got pregnant, she wanted me to have an abortion. I refused. She kicked me out of the house. When I got further along, she wanted me to put my child up for adoption. I had refused because I felt this was the only chance I was going to get to become a parent. My pregnancy was a high risk one. He was born a month early at 7lbs 9oz. He was a healthy baby though. Over the years my step-mother has expected me to raise my son with perfection and she does not hold back on any sort of what she calls "helpful" parenting tips even though she knows I continue to ignore it.
She is very disrespectful. I had my dad and her over for dinner a few times but one day over the phone she told me that I shouldn't use fragrant products in my household. I ignored her and haven't invited them over for dinner since then. My dad wanted my son to go over there for a sleepover.
My step-mom brought him home and said "Would it help if I bought you some fragrant-free laundry detergent? I'm going to buy products that I like. I talked to my dad later, she hadn't even mentioned it to him and my dad was upset.
I got a voicemail from her saying "You should have kept that conversation between the two of us. It's my house and I get to decide who is allowed to come over" It's not just her house. It's also my dad's house too.
And I felt my dad deserved to know why he wasn't going to be able to see his only biological grandson as much. This I felt was very sneaky and manipulating thing for her to do. My dad came up with the plan that they would buy some clothes to keep over there so all they had to do was have him change into those clothes when he got into the house. Over the last year, she has cut his hair 3 times without talking to me first, which I find rude and disrespectful.
She wouldn't cut her other grand-kid's hair without talking to their parents so why is she doing it to mine? When my son and I are over there visiting, she constantly tells me, "This is my house so only one person tells him what to do. When used effectively, they establish expectations regarding the relationship and encourage people to treat each other mindfully and respectfully.
They are especially important in parent-grandparent relationships because they not only establish roles and expectations but also provide a structure that keeps the children from being confused or caught in the middle. It's hard for kids when a parent says one thing and a grandparent says something entirely different. Even when a grandparent tries to "help" by agreeing with the parent, this can create tension in the relationship.
For instance, the parent may feel like their authority is being undermined and the children may feel like they are being ganged up on. Overstepping boundaries can also cause parents to feel inadequate and judged. Meanwhile, if boundaries are established and honored, parents feel secure in their role to parent their children, and grandparents can enjoy their role without the responsibility that comes with parenting.
Grandparents have a great deal to offer their grandchildren without trying to take on a parenting role as well. Helpful grandparents are wonderful and most parents are delighted to have them in their lives. Whether it's assisting when the baby first arrives or babysitting so the parents can have a night out, it's nice to have a loving, trustworthy support system.
Even help with carpooling and school functions is a welcome addition. It could be something as simple as letting the grandkids watch too much television or allowing them to play on the iPad all day. Or, it could be more drastic like giving your milk-allergic grandchild a cookie without reading the label or allowing your grandchild to ride in the cab of a pickup without a booster seat. Not only are these things violating the parents' rules, but in the case of the booster seat, it likely violates car seat laws.
Here are some ways to make sure you are honoring boundaries while still enjoying your grandchildren. Even if you don't agree with the parents' rules and guidelines, aim to honor them. Remember, you are the grandparent and not the parent—you should not usurp their authority and do what you want. If you want to have more time with your grandchildren, you need to be sure you are doing things the way they want them to be done. This includes indulgences like sweets, television time, and staying up past bedtime.
Likewise, decisions about co-sleeping , potty training , and even starting preschool are not decisions a grandparent should be making. Grandparents also should also tread lightly when making suggestions about parenting issues. When you share your thoughts, be sure you state them diplomatically. Also beware of labeling ideas as "stupid," "misguided," or "ridiculous.
While every grandparent wants to see their grandchildren as much as possible, it's important to also allow them space to be a family. Be aware of the potential burden it places on the parents to show up every weekend, especially if you are there at mealtimes.
Allow the parents to dictate how much autonomy and alone time they need. Even though extended family is important, they need space to build intimacy and togetherness as a core family unit as well. Likewise, if you are considering moving to be closer to your grandchildren , discuss the idea first. Again, many families will welcome such proximity. But it can be trickier when grandparents are too harsh.
Parents should first look for a way to calmly but firmly speak out to the grandparent, so the child feels supported. But when it comes to safety and health, parents may need take a hard stance.
She recommends parents consider inviting grandparents to a pediatrician visit or sharing articles from parenting magazines or websites to help grandparents feel more up-to-date and involved.
Many families rely on grandparents for childcare and especially in these cases, parents should talk about expectations from the start. They should decide what their deal breakers are i. Unsolicited advice may also feel like stepping over the line when it happens often or in a critical way. Parents also need to be flexible in some areas. I resent my parents badly.
I forgive there screwups during my childhood. But I want better for my kids. Thanks for this article. Hi Jason! However, I commend you for getting the help you needed. It truly takes a lot of courage and commitment. And it was very big of you to forgive your parents for your childhood. Keep going and try to show your kids how to deal with these kinds of people and situations in a mature, conscious way.
As a grandparent who lives with and helps care for them believes you have hit the nail on the head. Thank you for your article. I agree with just about everything except 9.
I think you missed that too! God luck as you mature and realize some of thoughts may not have any merit. So I fully expect to change some of my points of view as I get older. However, I stand by everything I said in this article.
Thanks for reading, Mike. Second, apparently you found some truth in this article because it pushed your buttons enough to write this comment. Maybe you do need her advice after all? I feel sorry for your son or daughter then, and I hope they limit their time around you.
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